why maria angela had to die

April 7, 2010

Wedenesday

A day before I had to explain to the boss of my reasons for my seemingly irresponsible behavior, I learned that I was pregnant. I came to the office that next day with that news. It was the time to call up the mayor and explain to him why I was being pulled out. And the presence of the child in my womb was the only plausible reason we could give out. From then on, I knew that the child was my savior and my blessing from the Lord.

Shortly after, we suffered together in the hands of his abusive father. I tried to protect the unborn child. I pleaded for mercy on grounds that I was carrying someone in my womb. But he did not listen. At times, I feigned nausea just to escape the verbal assaults. At times it worked. At times, it didn’t. One thing was clear in my mind: I needed to protect the child. I needed to protect myself. I needed to run away if the pregnancy was to be ensured. I did manage to go away, with so much coincidence I think the Lord was leading me out.

I went from one leave to another after that. Always living in fear, I dreaded the nights that I would have to sleep alone. Every time I thought of what happened, I got stressed and my nausea got worse I ended up vomiting in the middle of the night.

I thought the worse was over for us. But on certain days, I wake up agitated and angry. The effect of the psychological violence was too deep to flush out. I sometimes cry out loud and ask forgiveness from the baby for being so tense. I knew she was not being spared from all the stress I’m being subjected to.

All throughout the holy week, I was thinking of how I was to go back to Manila. I would be so freaked out again. The office was so near the place where he lives. What would I do if I meet him in the streets? Will he kill me in the open? Strangulate me for leaving him? Then, Monday came. It was a day before my flight back to Manila. I was supposed to report back to the office Wednesday. But the Lord had other plans. I had spotting that morning. When I had an ultrasound done, the baby had no heartbeat. The child in my womb was dead. I immediately knew what killed the baby.

First, there was sorrow and anguish. Then, when I thought deeper about it, the child came to save me, and the child left to save me again. I cannot go back to work because of the miscarriage. Not only that - if granted, it was a full 60 days maternity leave – that means I stay at home until June.

The child, I named her Maria Angela Azagra Cabiguen, after my two grandmothers who lived exemplary lives. She would have been a pretty, spirited child. But I know she is a pretty angel now. She is my savior. We suffered together in the hands and mouth of his father, but she was too weak to survive. I lived. She died. I guess the reason why I never heard her heartbeat is that she never grew a heart, at all. But I guess it’s for the good. If she did made it, her heart would have been broken many times.

I bless Maria Angela now, and I thank her, for saving me not once, but twice. Sometimes, I think it is ironic because a mother is supposed to give life to a child, and sacrifice her life for her. But in my case, it was the child who gave life to me, and an unborn one at that. Wherever she is, I think she is smiling now. I cannot wait to meet her in Heaven. She showed me how life is so short and yet it could be so meaningful, if we give of ourselves and love others no matter what. She made me realize I need not wait for tomorrow to show my family and other people that I love them, because I will never know when God will take them away from me and I could not hug them anymore.

To Maria Angela, I know you are just there. In my next life, I will surely hug you and kiss you when I meet you at the gates of heaven, perfected by Love. For now, I will just be your earthly mother. I promise I will be the best person that I could ever be so that when we meet, you will be proud of me. Bless also all the people who would have welcomed you and loved you in this world. And when it is time for me to bear your brothers and sisters, I hope that you will be beside me and be with them also as they grow up. You are our angel. And we will always remain your family, and love you, no matter what.