Laughter in the midst of pain

I count the days that i will be allowed to lead my normal life again - a life of wandering, a life of carefree choices, a life of trial and error, that somehow will bring me back so much of what i have lost, i think. But for now, it is a life confined in bed more than 20 hours a day, restricted movements, limited food choices, and light activities with bathroom privileges. With much internal struggle, i have gracefully accepted the situation and have tried to look at its brighter side.
I have two little brothers, aged 10 and 8. Ever since I arrived here at home, they have been pestering me - going in and out of my room every now and then, playing with everything they could get their hands on, bugging me to play or talk with them. And ever since, i have also tried to shoo them away, telling them to go and play somewhere else, to stop coming in and out of my room while i was resting, to find something worthwhile to do. As children, they have tried to do all these, and then they kept coming back.
Today proved to be a different day. I have realized that I have been keeping them away from me for so long. I thought that when they reach their teenage years, i will not be able to talk with them and they will not be able to talk with me as they try to find their selves on their own. I realized that if i want to stay close to them, i must not let an opportunity pass to let them know that I am here for them, and that i will not close the door for them. So, i changed plan. As soon as my 10 year old brother peeped through my door, i did not shoo him away. He was giggling, as always. I told him to come in. Sooner, our youngest brother came after him. I allowed them to play and my room filled with their childish laughter. I engaged them in a guessing game called "What am I thinking?". We had a great time. I realized I should not have kept them out all this time. They love my company, and I love theirs. Suddenly, I was aware of how much attention they have been asking all this time and I was too selfish to engage them thinking only of my self - my need for space and privacy that actually never consoled me. A few moments later, my younger sister joined our game, and we had the best Sunday night ever. They would not stop until it was time for dinner and bath. We did one last round until my younger sister pleaded sleep for she was leaving early the next day.
My brothers will never be boys forever, and they will only have one childhood. I am thankful that today I took the time to take them in and really listen to them. They told me that they wanted to stay in my room because my room was cooler. Tomorrow, i will put off the aircon and see if they will still hang around.
We all had a good laugh this day, and it was indeed a blessing. Laughter is still the wonder drug for broken hearts.

"Binat, Bughat and other post-partum stories"

I am a Capiznon, born and bred in Roxas City, the capital of Capiz. My mother is an Antiquena, my father a Capiznon. Although the word Capiz brings with it a dark ring as it is commonly associated with winged night creatures like witches(or aswang in the local dialect), this story will not be about aswang stories or the like but rather about my experience with "bughat" or "binat" and how this cultural belief both fascinated and irritated me.
Six days ago, my 3 month old growing fetus died in my womb. Some said I should not worry so much, that i have to let go for it happened for a reason i may not understand for now. My radiologist told me i might have been exposed to some virus. Others said it was caused by the psychological impact of the domestic violence i went thru when i was 1-2months pregnant. And some say, it was because i went out of the house too much and our witch neighbor has seen me while i played dodge ball with my brothers and claimed the baby in my womb.(I was in Capiz, after all...) Anyway, no matter what the real cause of that unfortunate event, I prepared myself for the big haul - i took care of work issues(faxed my application for maternity leave), made contact with my spiritual director, sent messages to friends asking them for support and prayers, prepared myself for possible hospitalization, went to an OB doctor to take care of my physical self, brought napkins and readied my bed and my bag for any emergencies. The only preparation i did not make was for "bughat" or "binat". To tell you frankly, this last issue proved to be the most taxing and stressful.
"Bughat"(Ilonggo term) or "Binat"(Tagalog version)is the term used to refer to the ailments(headache, chills, body pains, malaise, dizziness, muscle weakness, and in some it is blindness) a mother experiences after giving birth or after having suffered abortion or miscarriage is she did not follow certain rituals after childbirth. The list of forbidden include, but not limited to:
1. taking a bath immediately after giving birth(must be 3-7days later)
2. taking a bath in cold water
3. exposing one's self to cold air
4. opening one's legs or crossing them indian-style (must be always closed as air might go inside the uterus and this will bring about pain)
5. going up and down the stairs
6. eating coconut or other coconut-based viand like ginataan
7. drinking cold water
8. walking around
9. reading a book
10. sewing
11. not taking a first bath with the 7-leaves concoction
12. carrying heavy objects
13. getting a manicure or pedicure
14. go hungry or miss meals
In my experience, the day i went to the doctor, i was told to wait for the baby to come out, or we could insert a drug to hasten the expulsion of the baby from my womb. Luckily,a few hours after i had my ultrasound, the fetus came out spontaneously. I could recall sitting on my legs, with my body thrust forward, as i was typing on my laptop, when I felt a sudden gush of blood flow out of me. then, the pain in my abdomen became so intense. i went to the bathroom many times to check on the quantity of blood and the kind of material that was coming out of me. i changed napkin once. On my third visit to the bathroom, i saw a light-grey fleshy material on top of my blood-soaked napkin. It was neither fresh blood nor blood clot. I suspected it was fetal parts. But the pain and bleeding went on. On my 4th visit to the bathroom a few minutes later, i passed out a meaty material, quite a handful. i had to fish it out of the bowl to check what it was - i think it was a placenta - corrugated, with meat-like material and blood clot inside it, twisted in a few places. I could not make out the bean-like fetus. i immediately asked for a bottle. i wanted to preserve it - perhaps for my own sake, that i might be with the baby for a while. after all, she is the flesh of my flesh, the bone of my bone. and part of me wanted to have it autopsied - to satisfy my curiosity of the cause of its death. then, i went back to my room, lay on my bed, and felt the pain go away. It was over.
the next day, i took a bath in cold water. i went back to my obstetrician to tell her i passed out the fetus. she was surprised. she has yet to receive her order of Misoprostol that she was supposed to give me. she quickly examined me and gave me Methergin to help my uterus contract and stop the bleeding. The blood was dark brown and clotted on her examining finger. She said i was ok, and that if i really wanted to, i could have repeat ultrasound after i finish 3 days of Methergin TID, should there be other problems. It seemed to be going well.
When i got back home, i did my usual chores - went up and down the stairs, ate my usual food, and went out in the afternoon with my aunt to go ukay hunting. I had a napkin on. There was minimal bleeding.
The next day, i woke up at the usual time. it was like any other day. i took a bath, this time in warm water. i went to the market with my father. i wanted to cook leche flan so i bought duck eggs and milk. When i got back home, our long time house help, Mayleen was furious. She said i was doing everything i should not do. That i will have "bughat" for sure. She told me to ask my mother who once had it when she gave birth to my sister. That it was a difficult illness to cure. No medicine could cure "bughat". and that it sometimes manifests in old age. she asked if i was having headache, and i said "no." she told me to stop going around and that i should be in bed inside my room immediately, never to go out, else bad air catches me. So that afternoon, my escapades ended. i slept. i struggled to stay in bed. they were fussing over me. i tried to read a book, but they told me i'd be blind. so i hid my book under my pillow. in the mid-afternoon, they brought me snacks. i tried to go out of the balcony to eat there. when Mayleen caught me, she said it was too windy outside and that i was opening my legs as i sat cross-legged. "You're uterus is still open, blah blah, blah... you will go crazy. you don't believe me but that's true. you should go inside." so that ended my trip to the balcony as well. it was getting frustrating. what else is there left to do? i finished my snacks and went back to bed. that night, before Mayleen left, she told me not to take a bath that night and that i should wait for her in the morning. she will prepare a concoction for my bath that will prevent me from having "bughat" or cure me from it. she again reminded me of the things i should not do and that i should listen because my mother once had it. i was too depressed to complain.
on the 3rd day after my miscarriage, i kept to their lectures. i stayed inside the room the whole day. i was so depressed. i am not the type of person who could stay in a place for so long. i would die first. But just to end all discussions, i did not move. i still read, for what else was there to do? i tinkered with my computer. i read old letters. they made me feel good. but i was still restless. mid-morning, auntie caring came up to my room, she offered to give me a pedicure. i wanted to say no but i could not hurt her feelings so i agreed. in the middle of the pedicure, the phone rang for auntie caring. it was Mayleen. She said i should not be getting a pedicure. i was getting pissed. what else was there that i could not do? swallow? breathe? but i just stayed in bed. she came to my room noontime. she arranged my room, placed a table at the side for meals, snacks and milk and hot water. of course, the lecture came. Why did i ask for a pedicure? why did i go out 2 days ago? i just kept quiet. i reasoned with a little irritation in my voice. the lecture went on. then, i said i wanted to take a bath. so, she left and prepared the leaves for the concoction. i waited for about an hour. they brought up the leaves and then placed the concoction inside a big "labador." the water was colored green. then, my mom's sister and Mayleen placed hot water in it, and mixed it with tap water to a temperature i could tolerate. then they gave me a cup of the green concoction and had me drink it. Next, they gave me some leaves to sit on, put between my thighs, and rub my skin with. then the warm green water i was asked to put on top of my head to drip from a dipper three times. when i have done all these, they left me alone at the bathroom to shampoo my hair and soap my body like i usually do. they were satisfied. at least now, i won't be having "bughat". i actually found the green water smoothing to the senses. It smelled herbally good, and when it touched my body, it was very relaxing. i documented the leaves - i counted them, there were 7 different kinds. i took a picture of them for future use. then, they had me eat balut and coke for afternoon snack - to harden my knees. i slept soundly that night.
on the 4th day, i woke up feeling refreshed. but i was depressed. i thought of my dead child and of not being able to go out. i started to do some paperworks and typing jobs. i got a little stressed and ended up with a headache by midday. i was a little scared. is this the start of the "bughat"? My mom told me the next thing that happened to her was chills and malaise and muscle cramps. i told somebody i had headache. they panicked. i asked if Mayleen was around. she was not. i tried to sleep. then, when i went to the CR, my thighs were a little numb. like i could not step well. i called up Cheche, my Lola's caretaker and asked her to massage my legs. i slept and slept until i woke up to the voices of Mayleen and my aunt inside my room. they were panicking. they gave me the "i told you so" look. they told me they called up Auntie Susan, the hilot. She will perform certain rituals on me to make the "bughat" go away. it will involve some massage and a smoke-involving ritual called "Buok". Actually, my headache was gone by then, but i was curious and Auntie Susan's presence always made me fell better afterwards. I slept again. After an hour, Auntie Susan, Auntie Caring and Auntie Nenet came into the room. Auntie Susan sat beside me and touched my head - i liked it. she asked if i was still having a headache, i said not anymore. i complained of my legs. she said that she will give me a massage and i will be fine afterwards. She placed some minty vaporub on her hands and she started to touch my temples and pull my hair gently. Then, she massaged my whole body while telling stories about her stubborn nurse daughter who wont help her with her patients and about her tuba drinking escapades. she made me laugh. but her hands on my body were wonderful. i could feel the cold mint on my head. it was very relaxing. when she was done, auntie nenet asked if she would do "buok". she said there was no need, i was doing ok, and that i'm a doctor. "Buok" are for mountain people. i was relieved. Smoke has a way of irritating me. Auntie Susan then left and i thanked her. Later that afternoon, i was surprised to find my napkin soaked with fresh blood. I panicked a little. I texted Dr Mon, my OB friend, and asked him if it was normal. He said it was not. I should get a D &C. I scheduled it in the morning. That night, when i changed pad, it was again the clotted, dark and scanty blood discharge. i guess it was due to the herbal concoction i took the other day. I was just off Methergin. I slept soundly that night.
On the fifth day, i went back to my OB. She was surprised to see me, asked me what happened. I told her i had bleeding, it was fresh blood, about 20cc. She did an IE on me again and told me my cervix was closed, there was nothing to worry about. She told me ultrasound was not necessary anymore since if we find retained secundines or placental matter, we cannot do D & C for it will involve dilating the cervix unnaturally and it might damage the cervix and will cause incompetent cervix which will be a problem for succeeding pregnancies. she gave me an additional 3 days of Methergin and a week of antibiotics. i went home and stayed in my room again- i was having a little headache already. i slept soundly again, and woke up to a little thigh numbness. i had my auntie nenet massage them. they felt better. i was being very careful already. My mother-in-law told me a good cure for "bughat" was a soup with Balinsasayaw nest in it. i immediately asked my Aunt to find me Nido soup. A Chinese restaurant might have it. She came back and told me they did not have nido soup but Bird's Nest soup and it cost P150 per serving(quite expensive). I told her it was the same. The soup was nice. It had quail eggs,too, which my brother Pipoy fished out of my bowl and ate with gusto.
"Bughat" could be at my doorstep again, with Mayleen guarding and barking in full force against it. Tomorrow, my Auntie Nenet promised me another herbal bath. Aah, how nice it is to be able to eat what you want and to have people fuss over your concerns. It's been a while and all this time, it was I who took care of people, having chosen to be a doctor. It was nice to have that privilege but it's much nicer to be home and be the one taken cared of, sometimes.

why maria angela had to die

April 7, 2010

Wedenesday

A day before I had to explain to the boss of my reasons for my seemingly irresponsible behavior, I learned that I was pregnant. I came to the office that next day with that news. It was the time to call up the mayor and explain to him why I was being pulled out. And the presence of the child in my womb was the only plausible reason we could give out. From then on, I knew that the child was my savior and my blessing from the Lord.

Shortly after, we suffered together in the hands of his abusive father. I tried to protect the unborn child. I pleaded for mercy on grounds that I was carrying someone in my womb. But he did not listen. At times, I feigned nausea just to escape the verbal assaults. At times it worked. At times, it didn’t. One thing was clear in my mind: I needed to protect the child. I needed to protect myself. I needed to run away if the pregnancy was to be ensured. I did manage to go away, with so much coincidence I think the Lord was leading me out.

I went from one leave to another after that. Always living in fear, I dreaded the nights that I would have to sleep alone. Every time I thought of what happened, I got stressed and my nausea got worse I ended up vomiting in the middle of the night.

I thought the worse was over for us. But on certain days, I wake up agitated and angry. The effect of the psychological violence was too deep to flush out. I sometimes cry out loud and ask forgiveness from the baby for being so tense. I knew she was not being spared from all the stress I’m being subjected to.

All throughout the holy week, I was thinking of how I was to go back to Manila. I would be so freaked out again. The office was so near the place where he lives. What would I do if I meet him in the streets? Will he kill me in the open? Strangulate me for leaving him? Then, Monday came. It was a day before my flight back to Manila. I was supposed to report back to the office Wednesday. But the Lord had other plans. I had spotting that morning. When I had an ultrasound done, the baby had no heartbeat. The child in my womb was dead. I immediately knew what killed the baby.

First, there was sorrow and anguish. Then, when I thought deeper about it, the child came to save me, and the child left to save me again. I cannot go back to work because of the miscarriage. Not only that - if granted, it was a full 60 days maternity leave – that means I stay at home until June.

The child, I named her Maria Angela Azagra Cabiguen, after my two grandmothers who lived exemplary lives. She would have been a pretty, spirited child. But I know she is a pretty angel now. She is my savior. We suffered together in the hands and mouth of his father, but she was too weak to survive. I lived. She died. I guess the reason why I never heard her heartbeat is that she never grew a heart, at all. But I guess it’s for the good. If she did made it, her heart would have been broken many times.

I bless Maria Angela now, and I thank her, for saving me not once, but twice. Sometimes, I think it is ironic because a mother is supposed to give life to a child, and sacrifice her life for her. But in my case, it was the child who gave life to me, and an unborn one at that. Wherever she is, I think she is smiling now. I cannot wait to meet her in Heaven. She showed me how life is so short and yet it could be so meaningful, if we give of ourselves and love others no matter what. She made me realize I need not wait for tomorrow to show my family and other people that I love them, because I will never know when God will take them away from me and I could not hug them anymore.

To Maria Angela, I know you are just there. In my next life, I will surely hug you and kiss you when I meet you at the gates of heaven, perfected by Love. For now, I will just be your earthly mother. I promise I will be the best person that I could ever be so that when we meet, you will be proud of me. Bless also all the people who would have welcomed you and loved you in this world. And when it is time for me to bear your brothers and sisters, I hope that you will be beside me and be with them also as they grow up. You are our angel. And we will always remain your family, and love you, no matter what.